Thursday, May 24, 2007

It's All Over but the Bleeding

Well, that sucked.

Today Dr. Mango couldn't find a heartbeat at all. It should have been 8 weeks, and it was measuring only 7. It wasn't moving on screen and it looked like a crumpled piece of paper. This apparently is what is clinically known as a "missed abortion." The doctor said to go for another ultrasound, and he gave me a referral, but I don't know if I'm going to bother. I know it's over and I don't need to lie there being violated by a plastic wand and see it on the screen again.

Now I have to wait to bleed, and if it doesn't happen then I have to go through the D&C routine next week.

I wonder if I knew on some primal level that it wasn't going to make it, or if I was just randomly pessimistic and happened to be right. I guess I'll never know.

I haven't been able to talk to Steve yet. He's been away from his desk. It is going to be so hard to disappoint him like this again.

I feel like I have this trusted position of bearing us a child and I can't get it done. I know it's irrational, but there it is.

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