Step Right Up. Take a Chance. Everyone's a Winner

Only a few posts ago, but a long time ago in blog years, I mentioned that Steve and I were headed to Emerald Isle, NC.

It was a great vacation on a beautiful island.

We hung out on the deck in our little beachfront cottage, cooked out on the old grill, ate lots of seafood, drank a few beers, and relaxed as never before.

We explored the island and visited Fort Macon. Below, Steve peruses the fort.


It was very windy all week long. I had some crazy beach hair.



Perhaps most momentous, however, was one of the last pictures we took:


I met this news with trepidation above all else. Steve was hopeful, but subdued. There was no way to know if the third time (our third pregnancy) would be the one that stuck. On the last morning of our vacation, before we headed back home, I spent some time sitting on the steps to the beach, looking at the ocean, trying to remind myself of my very small place in the world. The ocean always helps give me perspective, and I needed it, badly, after getting this news.

I was beside myself for the first few weeks, certain that each day would be the last one for this pregnancy. Even seeing the heartbeat at 6.5 weeks didn't make me feel any better -- we saw a heartbeat last time, too. I kept assuming it would be the same as before -- that is, until about 7 weeks, when the nausea hit harder than ever. That was the first real sign that this pregnancy might be different. (Because of the nausea, I had to cancel a much-anticipated business trip to Las Vegas.)

But still, for each doctor's appointment, I went in feeling stoic, bracing myself for bad news.

I'm at 15+ weeks now, and so far the news has only been good. This morning, for the first time, I entered the doctor's office without the certainty that I'd be leaving with a D&C appointment. Things are looking up, but we aren't out of the woods.

I'm considered high risk due to my unicornuate uterus, and I go to a perinatologist every two weeks now for a checkup to ensure everything is still closed up tight -- no signs yet of premature labor. I can't express what a relief it was at my first peri appointment, when I asked the doctor if she'd ever seen a UU before (typically the answer with past doctors had been "no" or "rarely"), and she said they see UUs regularly, because it's a very busy high-risk practice. I feel confident that we're doing everything we can do to stay on track.

We haven't told many people yet. I felt a deep aversion to sharing my news and having it go "viral" thoughout our friends and family. I didn't want to have to round up everyone who knew to tell them if things didn't work out. Even now, there are people in my family who don't know. I'm not sure when I'll feel comfortable telling them.

I don't believe that "God will watch over our baby." If that were true, there would be a lot more babies in this world -- in fact, there would be more in my house. If that were true, people would never miscarry or have stillborn babies or have preemies that can't survive. It actually upsets me deeply when people say things like, "this baby is God's plan" or "I know God is keeping my baby safe." It implies that people who experience devastating losses were abandoned by God.

I know the answer is supposedly "we never know what God has planned for us," and that, like Job, we are supposed to learn from the "gift" of devastating losses. But the fact that pregnancy is directly caused by unprotected sex, versus some sort of lightning strike from Heaven (Jesus/Mary notwithstanding), implies otherwise. And the fact that crackheads and murderers can have children if they have unprotected sex at the right time also seems to indicate something less than the hand of God in the mix.

I believe what science shows, which is that the human reproductive system is not perfect. For some of us, like myself, it is even farther from perfect. It's a crapshoot, and all we can do is make the best of it.

Here's hoping we've rolled our lucky 7 this time.

How to Get Immediate Medical Care Part 2

This is part 2 of my recent medical drama, the story for which begins in the post below.

The irony with the whole situation is that if I had had some medical care earlier on, maybe I would not have worked myself into such a frenzy, and I would have saved my insurance company a bunch of cash on ultrasounds and emergency appointments. Hopefully I won't have to pay too much out of pocket. For the record, the symptoms of ectopic pregnancy and an anxiety attack have a lot in common:

What symptoms can a woman experience with ectopic pregnancy?
(source: OBGYN.net)

* Abdominal pain (90-100% of women)
* Absence of menses ("not getting your period") (75-90%)
* Unexpected bleeding through the vagina (50-80%)
* A vague soreness or spastic (colic) pain in the abdomen
* Abdominal pain can be generally everywhere, or it can be in a specific spot (localized) in one side or both sides
* Pain in the shoulder because of diaphragmatic (broad muscle under the lungs and heart that separates the chest from the abdomen and helps move the lungs during normal breathing) irritation from blood in the abdomen (25%)
* Dizziness and fainting (33%)
* Pregnancy symptoms (20%)
* Urge to have bowel movement (defecate) (10%)

Common symptoms of anxiety attacks
(source: The Linden Center)

* Rapid heart beat, pounding heart or palpitations
* Sweating
* Shaking visibly or inside
* Choking sensations or lump in throat
* Smothering or shortness of breath sensations
* Chest pain or discomfort
* Nausea, bloating, indigestion or abdominal discomfort
* Dizziness or unsteadiness
* Feeling light-headed
* Derealisation (feeling unreal or dreamy)
* Depersonalisation (feeling outside yourself or like you don't exist)
* Fear of losing control or going crazy
* Paresthesias (numbness or tingling sensations) in face, extremities or body
* Chills or hot flushes
* Skin losing colour
* Blushing or skin blotches
* Urgently needing to urinate or defecate

So I'm not totally crazy. But I do admit that the anxiety attack symptoms were a 95% match with my symptoms, whereas the ectopic symptoms were only about 70% similar.

Regardless, I feel better now just knowing I have medical care available. If my blood tests look good this week, I might actually buy some transitional maternity clothes. I'm not really the "rubber band around the button" type. I like my clothes to fit and be comfortable.

When I got home from the appointment with Dr. Mango, I called Steve. I told him about my day and reported that I had seen the heartbeat. He immediately started giggling. "Did you?" he laughed, adding, "it's really little."

I think he's imagining it as a teeny tiny cute little baby, rather than a tiny mollusk with a giant head and a vestigial tail.

How to Get Immediate Medical Care

On Monday, I showed up to work feeling just fine, but around 10 a.m. I went to the bathroom and all hell broke loose. I suddenly became dizzy and faint and got chills and cold sweats and pain in my lower abdomen. It felt like food poisoning but I wasn't actually having any stomach issues.

I basically stumbled back to my office, closed the door (thank god my officemate was in a meeting), and lay down on the floor for a few minutes until I stopped feeling dizzy. I googled my symptoms and freaked out when I saw that they appeared to be identical to those of an ectopic pregnancy, which often presents itself between 6-7 weeks, which is where I am.

I went home and changed out of my suit, and then I went immediately to the urgent care doctor near my house.

The urgent care center was a strange place. I definitely got the feeling that urgent care was a side business. They had signs all over the place for weight loss and hair removal programs. (Maybe the sign outside saying "WEIGHT LOSS -- URGENT CARE" should have tipped me off.) But I felt better just being there, knowing that if my fallopian tube burst, someone would get me to a hospital.

The urgent care doctor drew blood and made an appointment for me to get an emergency sonogram that afternoon. In the meantime, that doctor's office tried to call my OB-GYN, who I'll call Dr. Degree From Grenada. Dr. Degree From Grenada will not see a pregnant patient until 8-10 weeks, under any circumstances. Dr. Degree From Grenada also does not seem to work a full week, but I went to her practice because it was convenient to my job (when I worked in Falls Church) and because there are numerous doctors there that I could see at her practice. I have never gotten through to a real person when attempting to call Dr. Degree From Grenada, which is why I went to urgent care instead of my OB-GYN's office.

Typically you have to leave a message and Dr. Degree From Grenada's office gets back to you at their leisure. The urgent care staff managed to get a real person on the phone twice to discuss my issues (ectopic pregnancy can cause DEATH, people), and they were disconnected both times during the call. The third time they called, like 10 seconds later, the "we're closed for lunch" message was on. The urgent care suggested a new OB-GYN and got me an appointment for the next morning.

I was at the sonogram place forever. They did a pelvic sonogram and an abdominal sonogram, and then they did an internal one (they stick the ultrasound wand up your va-jay-jay). They found the "sac," and it wasn't ectopic (whew), but the technicians told me that the embryo was measuring really small for what it should be. They wouldn't tell me anything else, even about the big white dot on the image of my kidney (was that a kidney stone? they wouldn't say), so I got the feeling they were pretty certain of the measurements.

I spent Monday night depressed, wondering when the miscarriage was going to happen. I told Steve and he hugged me and said at least each time things move farther along, so if this didn't work, maybe next time would be the ticket.

Tuesday morning, my new OB-GYN, who I'll call Dr. Mango, talked to me about what was going on. I recapped the symptoms of my illness from the prior day, and he comes up with, "you had an anxiety attack." I objected: "But I wasn't even stressed out about anything!"

Then I thought about it. Every time I go to the bathroom I look at my underwear expecting to see blood. The episode happened in the bathroom at work. Perhaps constantly steeling myself for theoretical blood is not healthy behavior.

Dr. Mango asked me all sorts of specific questions about what happened and whether we had anxiety disorder or obsessive compulsives in my family. (We do.) So he basically said I need to chill out and stop worrying about everything. He asked me why I was worried, and I said because of the prior miscarriage, and because it took my mom four years to get pregnant. Dr. Mango said for a 33 year old I actually have gotten pregnant pretty quickly, even if this is the first pregnancy.

(He thinks the one in February was not a real pregnancy at all -- I don't buy that, but I'll buy the idea of a chemical pregnancy. I'm going to bring him my chart from that cycle to show him all the signs.)

Dr. Mango said it's totally normal for it to take a year for a 33 year old to get pregnant and it's nothing to worry about. He said the sonogram technicians were working at the limits of the technology's resolution, so the estimate of the age of the embryo could have been off pretty easily. Then Dr. Mango did a vaginal sonogram, and what do you know -- I saw the little heart beating. For a second I caught my breath -- I was so surprised. It looked like a little bean flashing on and off.

Dr. Mango said the pregnancy seems viable but we'll know more based on blood tests. He's going to do a blood test every two days for a while and the hormone level should be doubling each time. He said that is the best indicator for whether it is viable or not. I have a blood test scheduled for Thursday and another sonogram for next week.

It's night and day compared to Dr. Degree From Grenada, who I wouldn't have even seen for another 3 weeks, and who would not run early blood tests. Basically, with Dr. Degree From Grenada, it's up to you to get your pregnancy to 8-10 weeks. THEN you get to have some prenatal care. They don't even mail you a leaflet on what not to eat or anything -- what if someone's going around eating sushi and deli meat and seared tuna and soft cheeses because they don't know to avoid them? (I admit it, I envy that person in theory.) You are on your own.

To be continued.