Still Waiting

I still haven't started bleeding and I haven't gotten my second opinion. I will call for that tomorrow, but my next appointment with Dr. Mango is Thursday. I believe at that point we will schedule a D&C. I am very much ready to have this situation behind me.

It is so strange to go from being terrified of finding blood to actually hoping for it.

Dr. Mango behaved as if this was my first miscarriage. I had shown him my chart from the first pregnancy, showing a 24-day-long luteal phase. He had no explanation for that, but still said he couldn't confirm that I was pregnant because I never had a positive blood test (because my last doctor wouldn't see me until I made it to 8 weeks). I am so frustrated about this. I am planning to go to a fertility specialist/reproductive endocrinologist in a couple of months. In the meantime, we'll be taking time off from the babymaking attempts.

Two classic statements by Dr. Mango made me think he might not be the doctor for me:
"It's nature's quality control." That does not help. Also: "At least we do better than cows! 50% of cow pregnancies end in miscarriages!"

Again, not helping.

14 things that suck about miscarriages

1. Pregnancy becomes frightening instead of exciting.
2. You have to start all over again.
3. You worry you might not be able to get pregnant again.
4. Suddenly the number of pregnant women in your world seems to rise exponentially.
5. Inevitably, a close family member will announce her pregnancy when her pee is barely dry on the stick. Of course, her pregnancy will go swimmingly. She will opine that her pregnancy is God's will.
   
6. Your doctor assures you that miscarriages are very common. (Then why do you feel so alone?)
7. You wonder what's wrong with you.
8. You want to know why. Why can't you have a baby? Why do kids huffing glue under the boardwalk have no problem, and you were eating your vegetables and exercising and taking your prenatal vitamins ... why didn't it matter?
9. You study statistics, even though they don't mean anything.
10. You wonder if overuse of your laptop could have caused it.
11. You wonder if your prescription eye drops could have caused it.
12. You wonder if you caused it by not being hopeful enough.
13. You wonder how you will handle another pregnancy and the worry that will come with it.
14. You wonder if the worry will cause this to happen again.

It's All Over but the Bleeding

Well, that sucked.

Today Dr. Mango couldn't find a heartbeat at all. It should have been 8 weeks, and it was measuring only 7. It wasn't moving on screen and it looked like a crumpled piece of paper. This apparently is what is clinically known as a "missed abortion." The doctor said to go for another ultrasound, and he gave me a referral, but I don't know if I'm going to bother. I know it's over and I don't need to lie there being violated by a plastic wand and see it on the screen again.

Now I have to wait to bleed, and if it doesn't happen then I have to go through the D&C routine next week.

I wonder if I knew on some primal level that it wasn't going to make it, or if I was just randomly pessimistic and happened to be right. I guess I'll never know.

I haven't been able to talk to Steve yet. He's been away from his desk. It is going to be so hard to disappoint him like this again.

I feel like I have this trusted position of bearing us a child and I can't get it done. I know it's irrational, but there it is.