Friday, August 14, 2009

Uncertainty

At a department store recently, I thought about buying some sale clothes for next summer for Lexie. I found myself hesitating, in the same way I hesitated when I didn't want to buy maternity clothes too early, and when I didn't want to buy baby clothes until she actually arrived.

And I realized: I still am not 100% certain that she's here to stay. She's been in fairly good health, and gaining weight in spite of GI problems. There's no reason to think she's not going to make it at this point. But I still fear SIDS, and now swine flu lurks just over the horizon. I'm sure I'm not alone in my concern for my child, even among parents of full-term babies, but I do think preemie parents have stared a lot of serious, life-threatening hazards in the face, and it heightens our awareness of all that could happen.

I'm not sure when I'll feel secure that Lexie's going to be okay.

The first time I was pregnant, I purchased a onesie for the baby that never was. It was a silly little thing I'd seen years earlier and I was excited to buy it for our baby. After that first miscarriage, I tossed the onesie in the back of a closet, where it stayed for more than two years. Every once in a while I'd come across it, but I'd return it to the depths of the closet and try not to think about it. I hated having that reminder of how certain and happy we had been, and how little we knew about how long the journey to parenthood would be.

A few weeks ago I finally broke out that onesie and tried it on little Lexie. It was already kind of small, but I did get one picture.



She had just the right Jennifer Grey look here, too.

8 comments:

m said...

she does. Did you coach?

I so get this. I wonder about the things stashed in the back of the closet. Will I pull those maternity clothes out if we ever need them again? Or will I just need to purge and start over. Will the onesies bought for the girls ever find their way on to another baby's body? Will I see it as blasphemy? Or something far more benign?

I understand the hesitation. But I hope it goes away soon.

Brenna said...

I can totally understand where you're coming from--not that we have a preemie to worry about just yet, but I constantly have doubts about the reality of our pregnancy, and I'm pretty sure I'll have a hard time accepting that our baby is here to stay once that miracle does happen (please, oh please!). I just try to remind myself to enjoy it, as unreal as it may seem--as I'm sure you enjoy your precious Lexie! She has the sweetest face.

areyoukiddingme said...

Try to put the fear aside, once in a while - it will prevent you from fully enjoying everything about your little girl. Also, as she gets bigger and stronger, and does more dangerous stuff (like climbing onto chairs! and falling off of chairs! and eating too much finger food at once!), you'll have a whole new set of worries to contend with. It's scary for everyone - even if their child is not a preemie - so what you're feeling is normal. But try not to let it take over your life.

areyoukiddingme said...

And she is one cute girl - especially with her Jennifer Grey look!

May said...

The uncertainty goes away... slowly. It's different for everyone, but it should eventually go away.

LOVE the onesie.

Bluebird said...

I can imagine what you're saying; it makes perfect sense.

FWIW, I'm thrilled that sweet Lexie gets to wear the infamous back-of-the-closet onesie. And I'm sure she'll enjoy her sale clothes next summer, too :)

Hilary said...

Oh Lexie!! You are precious are you Momma is funny!!! :) hang in there! I know it can be scary but Lexie is healthy and doing great :)have a SUPER week :)

MzMannerz said...

I can relate to this - the continually waiting for the other shoe to drop. I once read an article by a woman who had gone through fertility struggles that she would not deem her pregnancy successful until her daughter graduated college. :P

I agree with the others and suggest when they arise, you squash those fears by snuggling your beautiful girl. You will get more and more comfortable. :)