Wednesday, November 28, 2007

A True Story About a Terrible 'Taint Rash

This is not a forward. This happened to an acquaintance, and this is the story as told to me over a few days as the affliction played out. I'm posting this story without the victim's permission, so no names are used -- just Guy and Girlfriend. But I felt it was a story that should be told.

Guy gets a rash in his 'taint area. Doesn't go to the doctor. Waits until it's so bad he's almost screaming in pain -- it's dried and cracked and bleeding. Guy goes to the emergency room.

He's put in stirrups, naked from the waist down. The doctors are in shock. More doctors come. Guy hears many doctors saying "whoa" or similar. They hang a curtain across his midsection, to protect his privacy (ha!), and medical students begin parading through. They come in small groups and stand there impressed as they inspect his private area.

He's sent home after about six hours on display. The nurses "dress" his afflicted area and show him how to apply said dressing himself. Girlfriend goes to pick up Guy at hospital. He walks to the car as if he's straddling a hobbyhorse. When he gets home, Guy realizes that the dressing is attached with tape to a very hairy area. He pulls it off, screaming like a lost child. Girlfriend tries really hard not to laugh.

The next morning, Guy applies the entire dressing with about one square inch of tape, total. He begins to walk toward the door, and the dressing slides out of his pant leg. Not enough tape. He inquires about the use of maxi pads as a dressing-holder. Turns out maxi pads don't work with boxers.

A few hours later, Girlfriend receives text message from Guy:
"In CVS. Buying Depends."

The next day, Guy does in fact wear the Depends, and Girlfriend notes that they make him look like a baboon. Apparently Depends have a reservoir in the butt to hold bodily expulsions. And it sticks out. Guy loves the Depends, and wears them proudly.

But the 'taint rash is still very painful. Guy goes to a dermatologist and gets a cortisone shot directly in his 'taint. Guy is then lectured on allowing the area to air out.

I am pleased to report a happy ending. Guy was fully healed after a week or so.


dcpeg said...

Ouch - LOL - Ouch - LOL - Ouch - LOL. Glad at least one guy got to experience THE STIRRUPS!! Ugh. . . Loved the baboon reference! ;o} Hope none of us ever need to resort to adult diapers of any sort! Girls: it's never too early to start doing those kiegles!!

Sugar said...

Wow!!! LMAO

My Daily Peace said...

I am horrified and intrigued all at the same time...magnificent!
Rash on 'taint; that's one i've never heard of and have no idea how you'd even get one.

nutmeg96 said...

Reportedly, he got it from some sort of allergic reaction to detergent or something like that.

All the more reason to buy fragrance free if you ask me.

caramama said...

Too funny! I'll bet it's not as funny if you are a guy, but I'm not. And it is FUNNY!

Being on display for 6 hours... Ha!

Londo said...

This is exactly why I had my taint removed. No good can come of it. Wait, maybe I am thinking about my appendix. I get the confused sometimes.

Missy said...


Christy G said...

This never stops being funny.